Memory.

If there is a memory of me in your wired heart,

how you played the game but never got out.

In confessions of all your sins,

I am always your golden ticket to heaven.

You tell me you see peace in my words, in my love,

there's a devil in my hurt.

As beautifully cold as the heavens that made me.

Yet fire is my favourite.

You walk up to me like you could ever catch me falling.

Memory of me. One,

the one that makes you run for the hills in search of oceans.

One that makes you feel alive and want more.

Well aware of all the love in my heart,

and walls as high as sky around it. Run to me.

I keep getting bruised and I keep laughing.

Crash into my waves and dive with me

to see all the blue and black and whatever you threw out the window.

All the demons that you bury

I want to be a memory you live everyday.

Like I live in happy places

How I remember you.

I'm one for the road and one for the house on top of the cavalry.

Never the one for routines, rules or runaways.

Amber fire and knee deep into arguments.

I'm staying past the midnights, I don't want to miss the sunrise on your face.

I might be the end of you, you might be mine.

And memories of us will be told in books without our names.

The love will always be the same.

How you always held onto one memory of me.

How I never bothered to overthink about the pain 

but everything else.

Funny, memories or memory

we always go back to the one.

The one that make us feel alive. The one that makes you run for the hills

and me for the oceans.

We still end up in the middle together.

Funny and maybe a little ironic if you know us.

Memory that fades memories.

Hiraeth.

I remember saying 'I love you',

always the first to say.

Even when angry. Now I wonder where the love has gone.

He keeps score,

that's how it feels. Information for information.

So all the nights spent worrying his heart is still warm,

makes me cold. 

[Cripple me] with love and with embrace.

Like a never-ending tale,

glass cut and paper hearts.

I want to hear you say 'I love you'

even if you don't mean it.

Say it before I do.

I want to know everything. Not when your purpose is served.

Battling demons in my rib cage,

so you wouldn't have to.

This should not be a losing game,

I am slipping through your bliss

[falling] breaking crashing through space and time 

over and over again.

I've taken the love with the hurt.

I know I've been loved more.

That that kind of love exists within you.

How does it feel to be left in the dark

and thrown into the light with every fleeting memory?

With every promise as easy as breathing.

I remember five years ago, the love you promised me.

The woman I've come to be.

Love that has learned to grow.

Roots that gave me wings.

When will the comfort be more than discomfort for us?

How long before I stay and see no love in your eyes?

I want to know when the light is more than darkness,

will I still be the one you'll want?

Love is not meant to be easy.

But it is also not meant to be weighed, or stripped with convenience.

I'm in love with flowers that wither,

as fragile as love can be,

as real as it should be. Can you promise me that?

Promise that there won't be scores

or conveniences that hide what needs to be known.

I want there to be love that's worth the pain and struggle,

till I wither away and my memories are poems 

in our wrinkled skin.

Promise me you won't make me homesick for a home in our memories alone.

That our home will be worth every fight.

 

Lovely.

Everything seems good, 

and I mean everything around me.

But somewhere inside, six feet down my heart

I feel like it's hurting. Constantly breaking 

[falling apart] and mending itself.

Something that seemed to make the hurting worse.

And I'm always smiling, always laughing

trying to be sunshine that everyone needs.

My words don't seem to resonate.

Clutched into an entirety of feeling somewhere in between the emotions.

Like I shouldn't have hoped for a best friend in her.

Or sabotaged the only love that seemed beautiful to me.

All along these walks,

collecting flowers, twirling in the rain

Ended up being the keeper of happiness for someone else 

for days that never treated her well.

Words that were never meant to hurt,

Love that wasn't supposed to leave you broken some nights.

Feeling like walking away for now would fix you.

No matter the stories you read,

or words that would mean anything less.

The girl who loved too soon [too easily]

The one who calls people beautiful,

something about that word fascinated me.

And I was wrong.

The one to always apologize, 

the one who feels too deep.

The one who cries instantly [vulnerability]

Tomorrow I'll wake up smiling

I'll still go through it all.

I know something in me hurts, and I'll still love despite it.

I'll give everyone my everything,

even if I'm never to be understood for myself.

And I'll probably never be able to tell them what's broken hurting inside,

but I'll do it for myself.

I'm worth the love I hold.

I'm not ripped of happiness,

just too hurt to know it's surrounding me at days.

This might not be the words that shine rainbows and smiles,

but this is something real.

And that's lovely.

Bohemian.

She feels so deep, almost like an amorist.

Her sister could never see beyond herself,

Her mother always put everyone above.

Her father loved agape.

She wanted to be more than just herself.

She wanted to learn humility,

weakness, strength and love.

To know how to hurt and how to heal.

All the world could ever see was beauty and flaws.

They saw everything through but nothing deeply.

She knew how to be caught in the entirety of the emotions.

The blood that course through her veins,

it looked more colourful inside her.

She believes in something bigger than her.

Gratefully, she always pulls herself together.

She is always loved,

somehow she doubts that, nefariously in between.

All the staring eyes telling her she needs to let go,

she doesn't belong to greatness.

That she isn't build to run anymore than her doubts.

So she remembers her mother's eyes.

The ones that always saw her soar.

The ones that always shine at her humanity.

Her father's smile,

The pride every time you built yourself higher.

The joy whenever she stood by the right.

As I walk by all these new windows,

the new everything. 

I believe that I do not belong to just one place.

I could make a home anywhere,

as long as I remember where I started from. 

My safe haven. My start and all my journey nonetheless.

When I find the sun in a different sky,

I'll still have all my love,

all my heart.

Those eyes, smile and everything more,

always in love.

Sunshine.

Smile. Smile like you've never missed happiness.
Smile like your mother never hurt you,

or your father never raised his hands.

Like all you've felt every time the sun shines is just peace.

Laugh at these parties, you look pretty.

All the wounds can wait for another day.

Don't choose for yourself again,

don't hurt the ones you've come to love.

And all these bathtubs and walls have become her person to lean to.

Your sister knows the hurt in your eyes.

Any day of the week, when she feels different

she tucks away her feelings in her coat.

They never taught her to feel peacefully.

Sunshine, we'll choose love for you.

She never hurt them even though she couldn't see past her swollen eyes.

Her tears weighed too much as she grew older.

Home has always been her anchor, 

but sometimes it would take her down.

All those band-aids did nothing.

These wounds open every time she got hurt.

Sunshine in the moon's darkness was her specialty.

Did they ever catch her breaking herself?

How could they have been so blindsided in her pain?

She knew her body would give up soon.

Yet she marched on so gracefully.

every time the words that cut her came back to life,

She'd remind herself of her strength.

her strength to not hurt who she loves. That she can take one more hit.

Her love was withering away,

she bloomed more and more flowers in her throat as time passed.

She thought about days where she'd stop,

when everything inside would. And she'd revive herself with her flowers.

Just for herself. And her walls would know her more than the ones she called home.

Conspicuous to her heart, she knew she loved them

No matter all the knives in her heart.

or how oblivious they are to her hurting.

She'll love them.

She's sunshine. The sun never burns out.

Not yet.

Amber skin.

And the sun will rise again on her.

Her skin will be amber and her hair as bright as caramel,

she'd have the look of an angel even in her devilish smile.

He'd follow her to the ends of the world,

because no one loves like she does,

No one saw the sky or the world like she imagined believed.

You could drown peacefully in her laughter,

and be saved by her tears.

She froze the mountains so that we could be closer to heaven.

He knew that beneath all that valour was someone who needed a moment,

just a moment to not carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. 

A moment to just let go under these waters,

Her great escape. Even though she was made from the rough edges 

of her soul.

Oh how the moon sought after her.

like it was oblivion coming to an end.

She never knew about all the hopes she saved,

about all the souls she brought home.

And just like that, she gave into her scars with honour,

she still breathed courage in her dark brown eyes.

And when he finally held her, almost stone cold

She told him, how she always knew he'd save her.

He'd save her even though she wasn't the one who needed saving.

For she'd let him fall deeper into her amber skin, until she let go.

Only to be a part of something greater than herself.

Beneath all the fires and oceans of her serene beauty,

He could only love her. But she saved him.

Somehow that became the love story that survived everything.

Epiphany.

 Every Sunday morning, I watch all these pictures behind my eyes,

I remember us being so perfectly loved with each other.

And classically forgetting about every worry beyond our world.

Then I became stoic. To this feeling of all my insides turning against me,

You sought after me and ended up lost.

I gave up all of our happiness for something else,

for not having guilt. To walk into my home without having to keep my head low.

You've made me so happy. So happy that I can revive myself

every time my faith hits rock bottom.

My bed is bigger than before, the devils in my thoughts at times.

This wasn't an environment I could feel the pain.

All my anger took my wounds different. Beyond my surface,

I'm stronger than I want to give credit for.

All the villains and heroes and the damsels in distress,

they didn't give me hope anymore.

I don't like some of my scars because I didn't choose them.

I've always been the happy and funny child, the buffer in the family fights.

No one knew how toxic it got at times.

We came so long to have it all right.

If only you could see all the strength in me now,

Mother, Father, see me without all your expectations.

I once craved talks with you, 

those that didn't leave the room or are repeated.

I wish I told you this before. 

I love what I've become. All I want now is to have love for what I used to be.

I'm the same beneath all the layers.

I've found love within myself finally.

I've seen what vulnerability does to us,

but I see it so much different than a moment of weakness 

or being fake or needing attention.

It's the most beautiful to watch someone be themselves.

There's so much pride in that, I never understood before.

But when I watch myself,

I hope you see that your daughter is so much more than you expected.

There's so much beneath my surface.

One day, I'll walk home with you, I'll tell you about me differently.

I quite miss our home.